'Simpsons Movie' needs facelift

Looking forward to a movie breeds disappointment when it turns out to be less than mediocre. “The Simpsons Movie” brought forth little laughter from the screening audience, and most of what was heard was forced.

Somehow, magically, when the audience jump-started the movie with laughter, the rest of it should have turned into a mindless cascade of humor, but it never happened. Millions watch “The Simpsons” on Sunday nights for an easy laugh and to clear out their minds so they can face the challenges of the upcoming week with a fresh direction. This movie would make a 20-year-old feel like she needs a facelift.

Maybe after 18 seasons and 400 episodes “The Simpsons” needs plastic surgery. Disney did it with Mickey Mouse. The first nip would be to get rid of the entire cast’s overbite, which causes their upper lips to flange out like a lobster’s tail. Next, give everyone a chin implant, raise their cheekbones and perform microdermabrasion to reduce the yellow chalky look of their skin. Find a cure for Maggie’s genetic defect that does not allow her to get older. Do laser keratotomy on Homer, because that must be the reason he does such stupid things: he has no vision.

In the movie, Homer throws a silo full of pig droppings into Springfield Lake, which causes the entire town to be quarantined by a huge dome. The town turns against the Simpsons (big surprise) and Maggie saves them by escaping into a sinkhole in her sandpit and out of the dome.

Destiny leads them to Alaska, which comes alive with vibrant animation reminiscent of the aurora borealis with lots of deep purple and orange. Homer loves Alaska and stays but the rest of the family leaves to save Springfield, which is being destroyed by Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Russ Cargill’s bomb device since the town is now a riot zone.

For some reason, all the scenes are bland, oddly colored and not to scale, full of empty space. The only scenes pleasant to the eye are the ones in Alaska and at the fair on the way to Alaska when Homer wins a truck by making a full circle around a dome with a motorcycle – a skill which comes in handy in the final scene.

There are no surprises in this movie and the sarcastic crudity for which the Simpsons are so known is toned down and almost nonexistent. “Spiderpig” got some laughs, but the character doesn’t talk and his animated form is plain and unimaginative.

Wealth can kill creativity. Since the creators and cast are mega-rich, maybe it’s time to move on. This movie is a good example why: it uses overused, forgettable themes and dialogue, character voices who all share a whiny undertone of indifference and washed-out, repetitive scenes.

Out there, countless, frustrated, broke writers possess in their pile of unwanted prose an episode of “The Simpsons” that has been rejected. They are writers who are good but not lucky enough to be in the circle of fame. How about “The Simpsons” caught in the land of the little big people? That would be a movie that would fill the big screen with new animation and still include the old.

For all it could have been, this movie sucked. The circle needs to be broken, the baby needs to be thrown out with the bathwater and the creator and cast need to go start their own animation companies and bring new life to this faded lily. It was as boring and tedious as watching Tom Hanks play himself, which he does in this movie. My $7 would be better spent on a pair of shorts. “Simpsons Movie,” eat my shorts!