Yep, we have to forgive

OK, you’ve been wronged. I’m sure you’ve heard the golden rule. You must forgive. Your mind races to the “but” in the situation. But they wronged me, why should I forgive them. But they just went about their business not even caring how that affected me. But they never asked for forgiveness. But, but, but. Let me introduce you to another word…we have to forgive… because.

I went to a retreat day with Fr. William Meninger last Saturday on forgiveness. It was so profound on so many levels because there is not one of us on the face of the earth who doesn’t have someone we need to forgive. Yet, forgiveness can be so damn hard. We were wronged. We dig our heels in and lick our wounds. The depths of darkness harden our hearts and stain them like black shoe polish on white linen. But what Fr. Meninger contests is that forgiveness benefits us no matter what the offence. And just like Jesus, we have to forgive them like he forgave humanity as spoke his last words: “Father forgive them, they know not what they are doing.”

Fr. M made the analogy that those who suffered the holocaust without forgiveness carried Hitler on their shoulders all their lives. Some acts against us are so vile, wrong on so many levels that we may find ourselves so repulsed at how these things have affected every aspect of our lives. Just like Christ, we have be crucified, chopped and quartered – our faces rubbed in the dirt of evil and destroyed. The most important thing to know about forgiveness is that it doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation. We need to forgive so that we free ourselves from the painful experience. We must realize un-forgiveness is like a cancer that destroys not our perpetrator but us.

If forgiveness is beyond our ability, due to the severity of the offense, we can start by praying for those who hurt us. But according to Fr. M., if we find we can’t even pray for them, we can begin by praying for ourselves. All we have to do is start lifting ourselves and the offenses up to God, and let him begin the healing process.

Fr. M told the story of a woman who was brutally gang-raped when she was very young. Her self-worth was so destroyed from such a repulsive act that it nearly destroyed her life. She even became a prostitute. Eventually she came to see Fr. M. for counseling after turning her life around and marrying. He asked her if she could forgive her perpetrators. She refused. He asked if she could just pray for herself, which she did. In a short time, through prayer, she found that she experienced God’s love for her, and in return she came to peace about her past and eventually could forgive her offenders.

“It is extremely important from the very beginning to understand that the primary consideration and motivation for forgiveness is ourselves. We forgive others, in the first place, for our own sake. This is why God commands it of us. This is why it is a human need. It is only when we forgive that we are free. Only when we allow our wounds to heal and let forgiveness occur will we free ourselves from our self-imposed prison cells.” –Fr. William Meninger

So, now we know why we have to forgive. Next week we’ll be discussing the five concrete steps in the forgiveness process and how to overcome our pain.