How much should grandparents discipline their grandkids?

At some point in time, grandparents may find themselves watching their young grandchildren while the parents work, or they may take over for a few hours now and then to give a harried mother a break.

This can potentially lead to friction in relationships when the parents and grandparents do not see eye-to-eye on how to punish misbehavior.

I hesitate to use the word “discipline” in this context, as it means to teach or guide. Who would argue with a grandma showing a grandkid the right way to hold a fork or use a knife?

However, if a child is awake and in a non-vegetative state, it’s a pretty good guess he’s up to something.

When Madison tries to stab Grandma’s terrier with a fork or Jordan won’t stop biting, what is a grandparent to do?

At these moments, Grandma has to make a decision: ignore the behavior or punish it.

Parents and grandparents need to hash out the parameters of expected, allowed, appropriate and inappropriate responses to a child’s misbehavior.

Parenting styles range from military strictness to hippy-style where clothing is optional, and if different people are going to be involved in caring for the same children, the expectations need to be laid out with lawyer-like precision.

Parents need to stick to their guns and their values but should also recognize that different people have different ideas on how to deal with disobedience, tantrums, violence or just screaming in the deli section of the grocery store because you’re a 4-year-old girl who apparently loves the sound of her own voice and your mother seems oblivious to it.

The preferred punishment style needs to be understood by everyone.

Is timeout okay but a swat on the butt beyond the pale? Is a swat on the butt okay but denying sweets because of bad behavior a no-no? What do the parents consider “cruel and unusual” and what do they consider normal, effective tactics?

Grandparents should be allowed to lay out their expectations of the child’s behavior and their preferred way of dealing with disobedience or bad behavior.

Listening to one another and respecting what each person has to bring to the table can head off potential conflicts and make the parent-grandparent relationship a positive, nurturing one.

There is a lot of baggage between family members, and it is hard to set that aside, but for reciprocal relationships to work, everyone involved has to know the rules of the game.

Susan Newsman, a social psychologist and the author of “Little Things Mean a Lot: Creating Happy Memories with Your Grandchildren,” has written a “Grandparent’s Credo.”

I don’t know if “credo” is the best word for this, since it’s not really an affirmation of faith, but it sets down some ideals of grandparenting.

Grandparents give time.

Grandparents give love.

Grandparents give gifts.

Grandparents think big.

Grandparents are good sports.

Grandparents are patient and understanding.

Grandparents are always supportive and enthusiastic.

Grandparents pass on traditions and share their history.

Grandparents don’t disagree with parents in front of children.

Grandparents don’t interfere with the upbringing of grandchildren.

Grandparents are devoted to their grandchildren.

Grandparents are fun.

Grandparents are indispensable.

The “credo” (sigh…) is available for download in PDF format at http://seniorjournal.com/NEWS/Grandparents/6-02-27-MakingtheMost.htm.

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