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Yes, sometimes it's good to say, 'No'

Most people, most of the time, want to be nice, to do what is asked and to please those asking for help. They usually try to be accommodating at work, with friends and with family members.

But sometimes, rather than replying, “Sure,” when asked to do an inconvenient favor or to take on a task beyond our abilities, it may make better sense to say, “No.”

It can often be difficult to just utter that simple “no.” People like to look responsible, helpful and capable; however, the reality is that saying “yes” to virtually every request can produce a variety of negative results.

Research has shown that the more difficulty someone has in saying “no,” the more the person is likely to experience stress, burnout and possibly even depression. Difficult requests are highly likely to make them feel frustrated or anxious, or even mad for saying “yes” in the first place.

The key to saying “no” is to do it in a respectful and courteous manner. It starts with understanding what the boundaries are and not being embarrassed to accept and follow those boundaries. When someone sees that a request is going to push them into a zone where they’ll feel uncomfortable or not fully competent, it’s important to make those feelings and decision, clearly known.

Responding to a request with phrases like, “Gee, I’m not certain I can,” makes it clear that the person is not being straightforward about the decision. That’s also true when their immediate response is to start apologizing or making excuses and explanations for why they can’t do what’s being requested.

Instead, they should first make sure that saying “no” is really the only alternative. If not, they should politely let the person know they would like to help, but first ask questions to clarify what is really needed. Perhaps there is a way to help that wasn’t evident when the aid was initially requested. But if it turns out that “no” really is the only right answer, they should state that decision clearly. They should let the person know they’re sorry they can’t help, but that it just wouldn’t work.

While everyone wants to be helpful, it’s important to recognize personal limitations, interests and capabilities. Stepping too far outside those comfort zones will leave them feeling anxious and frustrated, and they probably won’t be the best help available.

Counseling Corner is provided by the American Counseling Association. Send comments and questions to [email protected] or visit the ACA website at http://www.counseling.org.

 

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