Midlife dating can actually be fun

As the holiday season ends, it’s not uncommon for someone who is not in a relationship to feel a need to be with a significant other, or at least to have someone to take with them to that office party or family gathering. If they’re in their twenties, the stress to make this happen is often pretty low. But if they’re a bit older, it can sometimes produce lots of anxiety.

Midlife dating, however, has become much more common. Divorce, a partner’s passing or simply a career-based decision to wait on getting into a serious relationship are a few reasons why an older person is on their own.

Take, for example, the decision to get married. In 1980, the average marriage age for a woman was 22 years. By 1990, it had climbed to 24, and now the census bureau reported that women marry at an average age of 27.4 years and 29.5 years for men.

Waiting on marriage is one reason for dating at an older age, but another change that has promoted more dating, especially for those well past 30, is the availability of numerous internet services promising to find a perfect match. While that promise may only sometimes come true, millions are using such services to more easily enter the active dating pool.

But while online apps may make it easier to locate someone to date, midlife dating still can be a stressful proposition. One reason is that dating when older can easily upset an established life. Daters have a career, friends, regular routines and activities that hopefully they enjoy. Then, suddenly, a new romantic interest can affect many of those established things.

Instead, daters can limit some stress by maintaining much of their normal life, rather than suddenly changing everything for that new person. If that someone has the other people canceling plans and changing schedules, it sends a message about how little they value the other person’s current life.

Similarly, daters want to hold on to their existing friends. When they focus only on that new person, they can eventually feel guilty and anxious over how they’ve treated, and possibly lost, trusted friends.

The key is to view midlife dating as an enjoyable, interesting adventure that’s an addition to someone’s existing life, not as a replacement for what they already have. When midlife dating isn’t an “all or nothing” proposition, it will be much less stressful.

Counseling Corner is provided by the American Counseling Association. Send comments and questions to [email protected] or visit http://www.counseling.org.