Learn to let your children make mistakes

What parent doesn't want to protect their children, to see them safe, healthy and happy? Such concerns are part of their DNA, inherited from their ancestors and their dangerous world.

While today’s children don’t need protection from saber-toothed tigers, there are still numerous ways for children to make mistakes. Parents need to realize that some mistakes are “good mistakes,” errors in decision making that may result in the wrong outcomes but that can be valuable learning experiences for children.

Parents always have a responsibility to try and keep truly dire, life-threatening consequences from occurring. But trying to ensure that children never make a bad decision, whether as toddlers, teens or even young adults, is really not doing them any favors.

The modern term for overprotective mothers and fathers is “helicoptering.” It describes parents who are hovering constantly over their child, trying to ensure that all goes well. It’s parents who keep in constant contact and try to help their child make all the right decisions.

Unfortunately, being overprotective can inhibit a child’s natural growth and independence. When their father is up all night finishing that school science project, it isn’t helping prepare the child for the future. Children with overprotective parents often have trouble making their own decisions because they know their parents are always there to jump in with answers. Such children can also end up rebelling strongly as their desire and need for independence grows.

And no, it isn’t always easy to give children room to make their own decisions, good or bad. However, it’s important that they do so for healthy development. And parents can still be involved. They can be there while they work through their dilemmas and help point them toward good solutions, but a parent’s job isn’t to find the solutions for them.

Yes, parents should be ready to step in when a child’s decision could be dangerous or life threatening, but giving children more space helps build confidence and independence. It encourages them to try new things, even things that might seem scary. Parents want to offer sympathy and understanding when things go wrong, but they shouldn’t always try to make things right.

When a child is allowed to face possible failure, and even sometimes to experience it, they will learn valuable lessons about growing up.

Counseling Corner is provided by the American Counseling Association. Comments and questions to [email protected] or visit the ACA website at http://www.counseling.org.