Motivating your children to do more

Children can be amazing. They develop new cellphone apps, set athletic records, volunteer with the elderly and perform many good deeds. Unfortunately, much of the time it seems these are someone else’s children.

For many parents, the reality is children sleeping till noon, buried in video games or so busy monitoring social media that they only surface for meals. This reality is even more obvious with children on summer vacation and no longer disappearing to school where we at least assume they are accomplishing something positive.

So how can a parent get the child in their home to be more active, or at least to contribute more to the household? A first step in that direction is simply to decide what the realistic expectations are for each child. If there are constant arguments and shouting about what isn’t being done, what actions by the child would limit those arguments and make everyone feel better?

The answer lies in specific goals, not just broad generalizations. The starting point should be to negotiate some activities with the children that will achieve something worthwhile and specific for the home and the child. Parents should want to replace inactivity with positive accomplishment.

One simple goal might be to have the child take on one or more household chores. Maybe unloading the dishwasher, walking the dog each evening or doing 30 minutes of yard work each day. Or it might be a positive growth activity, like reading books or getting a certain amount of daily exercise. It helps to have a structure for these activities. Set specific times or deadlines for when required activities are to be accomplished.

Step two is to provide motivation to help them want to complete the assigned chores. A negative motivation might be to cut off electronic gadget access until the assigned activity is completed.

Or a positive reward motivation could be getting an allowance, or an increase in a current allowance. If a desired reward is a major purchase, parents can keep a running record of successful accomplishments with a clear goal of what’s needed to earn that purchase.

The key is to develop specific activities that move children in desired directions and that make them feel good about doing required activities, even the most boring ones. Chores shouldn’t be punishments, but rather activities that contribute positively to the family, household and the child.

Counseling Corner is provided by the American Counseling Association. Send comments and questions to [email protected] or visit http://www.counseling.org.