Kicking It with fake eyelashes, or not

What do we know about flirting? Well, for sure, women and men have been doing it as far back as the Neanderthals. Let’s consider, if it weren’t for steamy come hither looks, how would a fella have known which gal to snatch by the hair to drag back to his cave?

And isn’t that all a fella really needed? One haunting look from a femme fatale? Nothing much has changed over the past few thousand years, except perhaps the hair dragging.

I for one, feel confident the first cavewoman had her hip thrust out provocatively as she designed her saber-toothed tiger winter wardrobe while batting her eyes. For the most part, that’s all it takes and, bingo, another caveman is felled.

As centuries passed, Hollywood took flirting to a new level. It really started when makeup artists started attaching wisps of hair to the eyes of starlets to enhance their 20-foot-on-screen image.

And really, what lady out there won’t admit that, just once, she tried to attach an eyelash strip to enhance her eyes? Some of us have even glued one eye closed as the eyelash strip stuck to a finger. Then, of course, we had the trial of removing the glue while avoiding ripping out our own lashes while ungluing the closed eyelid. I can still recall the trauma as I dressed for my junior prom.

Today, wearing false eyelashes is the new trend. Unlike tattoos, they are removable and leave no permanent scarring.

Trained specialists can apply false eyelashes one lash at a time, and the procedure can take up to two hours for a set. The client usually reclines on a table to stabilize the head while the beautician sits above the face to glue each tiny lash above the natural lash line until they have placed hundreds of them in a neat row. It requires a very steady hand.

I only learned of this procedure about two years ago when visiting my daughter near the cruise port in Seattle. She wanted to get her “lashes done.” I’m thinking, “what?” Anyway, she found a place and paid $200 to have a set of lashes applied to her eyelids. I did not even consider getting it done.

Until about nine months later when we were in Dublin, and she needed to get her lashes filled. Apparently, after a period of time they fall off. Anyway, we made our way to a mall and found a deal for $39 for a set of eyelashes. At that price, I figured why not?

The process was not uncomfortable. It actually kinda tickled. Afterward, I couldn’t stop fluttering my eyelids. They seemed heavier. The lashes I selected didn’t look waspish, but I found I batted my eyes at everyone. The advantage is not having to wear mascara. The disadvantage is not being able to rub your eyes plus they are somewhat delicate and require uncrooking when one sleeps face down.

By the fourth day, I was going bonkers trying to discover a way to make them go away. Of all the beauty treatments I have tried, it is the one experience I probably will never repeat.

That said, recently I discovered my eyelid muscles were cut by the board-certified plastic surgeon when I had eye lift surgery almost 30 years ago.

Of course, while competent according to New Jersey standards, it did not make him an artist. The result is intense dry eyes. As it turns out, my top eyelids do not completely close and that causes a sort of sandy-eye feeling under my lids. It can be quite painful if drops are not added throughout the day and even during the night.

Now I have been told by a different plastic surgeon that the only way to get the upper lid to shut is to insert a tiny bead of gold into the upper lid which will weigh it down enough to close all the way.

Hmm, or I can just get a new set of lashes which would be about the same weight. And therein lies my conundrum.

Elizabeth Youngman-Westphal can be reached at [email protected].