Manage unfulfilled holiday expectations

Christine L. Assad

Special to Village News

Of all the holidays, Thanksgiving is the one most dear to my heart. My childhood expectations are of family and friends sharing a feast with the sound of football games playing in the background. The fellowship and food are not what make it great for me, however; it is the consciousness of gratitude, giving thanks for the many blessings in our lives.

It has not always been this way. Past years have not always fulfilled my childhood expectations in that there has not always been family to share with and my friends were busy with their families. Most of my family members have died or moved out of state.

The sadness of the unfulfilled expectations turned into deep sorrow, even depression for me. Sometimes it was the same at Christmas; sadness and loneliness. I could understand why statistics had shown more suicides during the holidays than at any other time of the year.

Fortunately, I am learning that the childhood expectations are a fantasy of my own making, where the memories have become glorified distortions of the truth.

What actually happened was less joy and harmony and more arguments of family insults and manipulations through guilt trips. Demands were made. Adults were treated like children. Stomachs would churn. Heads would ache. It was not the perfect holiday of my imagination.

One time I accidentally burned the mashed potatoes. To my in-laws I had totally ruined the dinner, which they were sure to tell me about that year and the next again for several years later. Then there were the criticisms of my 3-year-old son Tommy, who had not learned good table manners. He chose to turn the china dishes, silver and fine crystal into musical instruments. I was the over permissive parent who allowed this rude behavior. I am proud to say that as an adult, Tommy has turned this innate talent into becoming a professional rock and roll drummer and musician.

When he was a child, however, there were many tears because Santa had not assembled his “castle” for Christmas morning. Why was I so slow at it and why were all the presents from Santa and none from me? Shouting, demands and tears were not the Norman Rockwell holiday I had expected as a parent.

In truth, holidays are very stressful times with many demands made by our culture, our families and our friends. Many feel forced to buy gifts which are often returned or exchanged. We wear “grin and bear it” smiles in the midst of sarcastic criticism. We over eat and drink too much, while aware that a pulsing stomach ulcer is on its way.

“When is that next therapy session?” we ponder. Despite all of this, my imagination continues to remember the holiday of “It’s A Wonderful Life.” with James Stewart. I even hear the tinkle of angel bells in my head.

Still, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because I can count my blessings, filling my heart with gratitude. I thank my lucky stars that I am an adult with choices. I can choose my friends and have chosen wonderfully generous, joyful and playful ones.

I can choose to skip the family dinner this year and perhaps take a trip to the mountains instead. I can choose to enjoy the many gifts I have each day of health, freedom and friends who love me.

I have more than enough to be able to share with those who do not and I am able to receive the generosity of others. I live in a warm, cozy home which I share with devoted pets and friends as I choose to release my past fantasies in appreciation of the abundance and blessings of the life I live today.