Handle a teenager's need to be more responsible

One of the hardest things for many parents to deal with is their children’s demand for more freedoms as they grow into teenagers. After years of making most of a child’s decisions and putting their child’s needs first, parents find themselves confronting a young adult who wants the freedom to face more of the world on their own.

On some level, of course, parents recognize that their teenagers need increasing amounts of freedom and responsibility. It’s a natural part of the developmental process.

At the same time, parents realize there are very real reasons to go slowly in allowing more freedom. News reports and local stories of substance abuse, teen pregnancies, violence and more issues naturally make parents worry about the world their teen is facing.

But when parents constantly say “no” to their teens’ requests, trying to protect and shield them just a little longer, the result is often family conflict, with the teenager pulling away and no longer confiding in their parents or perhaps going behind their backs seeking the desired freedom.

While there is no magic cure, there are steps parents can take to minimize this conflict. The most important is simply to improve communications.

Sit down with the teen and try to explain any fears and anxieties related to granting increased freedoms. While hearing about their parents’ worries may not win their teen’s full acceptance or understanding, it can open up meaningful dialogues that can lead to acceptable compromises.

The next step is to go ahead and allow increasing amounts of freedom and responsibilities – opportunities for the teenager to prove they are really ready to be more independent.

How much can they be trusted? How much responsibility should be granted? There are no absolute answers, just judgment calls parents have to make based on their teen’s personality and past performance.

Yes, mistakes will be made, but also note that most of the time things will turn out just fine. Try to understand that it is also a very difficult and often confusing process for the teen.

These decisions are still going to worry parents and upset their teens at times but when parents make a conscious effort to allow increased levels of freedom and responsibility, while also fairly measuring how well the teen handles the changes, they should find that the struggles with their teenager should begin to diminish.

Counseling Corner is provided by the American Counseling Association. Send comments and questions to [email protected] or visit the ACA website at http://www.counseling.org.