Do you really listen to what others have to say?

Most people like to hear themselves talk. They enjoy sharing personal information, their jobs and recent activities. And there’s nothing wrong with that, unless someone spends so much time talking that they forget to actually listen to what others are sharing.

Being a good listener is an essential skill in maintaining strong personal relationships with relatives or with friends. Yet, too often people tend to believe that solid relationships just seem to happen. Having good friends takes some work and effort on both sides of a friendship, and a major element in building those relationships is learning how to listen.

Most people have probably had the experience of having a friend clearly demonstrate they really weren’t listening when they had shared something important with them. Their words or actions indicated that what the other person had to share simply wasn’t heard or understood.

Sadly, many people do the same thing without realizing that they’ve put listening to what a friend is communicating on automatic, mainly hearing the words but not registering the meaning. That habit can be a real problem when what is being shared is truly important to the person speaking.

So how can someone become a better listener? A good starting point for them is to pay attention to how others listen when they have something significant to share. Try to note what a good listener says or does to indicate that they’re paying attention to the speaker and what they’re saying.

Next, do the same type of observing with someone who doesn’t really seem to hear other people when they share something important. How do they show they’re not really paying attention? Are they distracted? Finally, a person could make a personal evaluation and see if their action favor those of the good or poor listener.

If their listening needs improvement, it isn’t difficult to become a good listener. Start by simply listening more than speaking when someone is communicating something important. Don’t interrupt with personal stories and ideas, even if the experience is similar.

Instead, a good listener will take the time to seek clarification if things were said that were not understandable and show they were paying attention by feeding back key parts of the conversation. At the end, try to summarize what was shared to demonstrate understanding.

Being a good listener is an important skill and an essential element in building and maintaining strong friendships.

Counseling Corner is provided by the American Counseling Association. Send comments and questions to [email protected] or visit http://www.counseling.org.